


Come and break my feeling with your violence; with the gun to my head

by amazingjemma



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Black Widow!Jemma, Gen, Hawkeye!Hunter, Lance Hunter & Jemma Simmons Friendship, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 13:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingjemma/pseuds/amazingjemma
Summary: Black Widow kneels near Captain America, and for the first time in her life, she knows they have lost. This is so obvious and terrifying. Jemma hates thinking of them being defeated but here they are, incredibly fucked up and dealing with so many deaths that it wouldn’t be easy to deal with the hole in her chest.





	Come and break my feeling with your violence; with the gun to my head

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't seen infinity war and this is probably hella (extremely) ooc but i was bored at work in the morning and thought "hm might as well enjoy the pain"
> 
> belongs to my and leopoldjamesfitz (on ao3)'s rp thread/au verse/whatever you call it
> 
> (jemma is extremely tired.)
> 
> title from bullets by archive
> 
> idk why im posting this but anyways enjoy

Jemma finds it hard to focus at first, her head foggy and voices screaming at the back of her mind, and it’s all over again. She’s familiar with this, the pain had long become her friend and the feeling of absence growing in her chest, the one she got used to after the escape.

 

She feels breathless, and the ground falls out from underneath her feet. The feeling is so very terrifying that she’s not sure if this is really happening or it’s her imagination. It very well could be, at least Jemma thinks so because she can’t imagine her life without it.

 

She doesn’t remember people calling out her name, for the world had stopped existing around her when she managed to find her teammates only to see one of them literally vanishing from the existence. Jemma had seen a lot of things, and she was familiar with all the negative emotions that somehow were like her friends by this point, but watching the man you had been searching for decades is nothing compared to what Jemma Simmons had endured.

 

She knows this isn’t easy for Captain America, either. She tries to stay strong, not to show that her heart is breaking into millions of pieces, but she is screaming inside her head, the scream so loud Jemma thinks she’s going to pass out.

 

Black Widow kneels near Captain America, and for the first time in her life, she knows they have lost. This is so obvious and terrifying. Jemma hates thinking of them being defeated but here they are, incredibly fucked up and dealing with so many deaths that it wouldn’t be easy to deal with the hole in her chest.

 

The rest of the day is a blur. They come back to the base, battered and bruised, unsure of what to do next - unsure of everything. They have to talk about everything that had happened, to think of a plan on how to proceed and what to do next, but none of them talk. Even after they get patched up; even after they sit in silence in the conference room.

 

The weight of the day is heavy, and Jemma can’t blame Captain America leaving the room after 20 minutes of complete silence.

 

Jemma looks around, trying to come up with what to say, maybe inspire others to fight on, but she can’t. There is a lump in her throat and she can’t even speak without bursting into tears and let it all out.

 

She wants to scream and cry, and maybe she would feel better after this but she can’t show others her weakness. This is wrong, even after everything they’ve been through together.

 

There’s too much pain and too less time to even deal with the loss. Jemma hates this feeling; mourning wasn’t made for a woman like her, she must conceal and shut down her feelings.

 

Yet, when she comes to their bunk and sits on their bed, she grabs the pillow and screams into it until she loses her voice.

 

Black Widow thinks that it’ll be easier, and she waits three days; then it’s one week, three weeks and five weeks later she is still a wreck and the pain just doesn’t go away. She wakes up in a sweat at nights, hoping to find him beside her but there is only absence and coldness of the sheets where he supposed to be sleeping.

 

He is not coming back and Jemma still doesn’t know how she is going to get used to the idea of being alone; again.

 

Perhaps, it would be easier to talk to someone, but the only person she can trust completely is nowhere to be found and Jemma doesn’t want to disturb them. Bobbi Morse is mourning, too and it’s not easy for her, either.

 

They have to work on a solution, and they must report to the government, but there are people vanished and none of the Avengers know how to find them. The government would blame them, again, for making a mess but there is nothing they could do to prevent it. People must understand that superheroes are human beings, too.

 

They can get hurt, and die, and disappear and there is nothing the rest of them can do to bring them back.

 

This is against simple laws of existence.

 

Eventually, Jemma gets used to the feeling of absence. It took her longer to befriend it this time, and it is even harder living with such a burden.

 

She goes to the city in the middle of the night, hoping to find some sort of solace in the rain, but the streets are empty and dark and they remind her of the corners they’ve been hiding in back in the Red Room.

 

Everything around her reminds Jemma of Winter Soldier and she shakes her head, trying to get rid of thoughts about him though they come back and it hurts even worse than before.

 

She notices a figure a few meters away from her, though she could easily say that this is a shadow and she must be hallucinating. She might as well be, considering sleepless nights and searching for the solution none of them have.

 

But as Jemma gets closer, she realizes that this is not a shadow and she hasn’t lost her mind yet. She grips the umbrella hard and stops fifteen steps away from that person, hope blooming in her chest. There is something familiar in this figure, and she might as well think that this is Fitz, and he survived and everything was just one hell of a dream.

 

But when the stranger turns around, Jemma both feels relieved and destroyed at the same time. There is something familiar in the man’s features and she almost wants to scream when she recognizes the man.

 

Hawkeye had disappeared not so long before everything went to shit and none of them could reach him; Lance Hunter had become a ghost, though he could hardly be compared to the Winter Soldier.

 

Anyway, Jemma sighs and even smiles a little, trying not to startle the man as she approaches him though he notices her even before she greets him. He has become familiar with her antiques and it’s quite wonderful when you think about it.

 

They started as two frenemies and ended up being one of the oddest superheroes partners of the century.

 

“Hello, Spider. Long time no see.”

 

Jemma looks at Hunter, searching for some answers in his eyes though she knows she won’t find any. He looks tired, so much older when the last time she saw him and Jemma wonders what he was up to all this time when they needed him.

 

When she needed him.

 

“It’s been a while,” Jemma says finally, her voice gravelly from disuse. She doesn’t remember the last time she was talking. “Where have you been? We’ve been searching for you.”

 

“I had to finish something that I started,” Hunter finally faces the Widow, completely ignoring the fact that he’s soaked. He seemed to be serious, something so very not Hunter and Jemma wondered what had happened to Hawkeye for the past few months.

 

What had changed him.

 

“It’s been a rough time for you, huh?”

 

Jemma purses her lips and dips her head, trying not to show emotions that were slowly killing her inside. She can’t take it any longer; she wants to scream, to talk to someone, to cry but she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to show weakness anymore.

 

When Jemma looks up and meets Hunter’s soft gaze, she can’t help but let out a sob and the tears that were long overdue streaming down her face, one by one.

 

“He’s gone,” Jemma’s voice is just above the whisper but she knows Hunter heard her, even in this heavy rain. “He’s gone and I… I don’t know how to bring him back.”

 

Of all people, Hunter knows the most how much Jemma’s attached to Winter Soldier and what exactly she feels towards him. There is no mockery from Hunter’s side and Jemma’s grateful for this because this is not the time for the jokes.

 

She feels weak but the streets are dark, but there are the two of them standing, so Jemma does something she did not expect from herself.

 

“After all these years,” she laments, her voice shaky. “All my diggings and attempts on finding him, and now he’s gone. Again.”

 

Jemma wants to give up, to beat things and yell till she loses her voice because she feels too much and she doesn’t know how to deal with so many emotions. There is anger, and sadness, and depression, and everything in between that is slowing her down.

 

Hunter approaches her slowly, aware of Black Widow’s reaction on intruders and he doesn’t want to make it worse; not when he knows what it’s like to lose someone who means this much for one person.

 

He approaches her carefully, without making sudden moves that may trigger the Widow. He meets her gaze to make sure she sees him and only then, embraces her tightly, holding the umbrella so it wouldn’t disturb her.

 

Hawkeye’s completely soaked though Black Widow doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, she buries her face in his chest, crying the tears that were long overdue.

 

“We will find him, Spider,” Hunter stares somewhere in the distance, stroking Jemma’s hair. “We will find all of them, I promise.”

 

Black Widow nods her head though she doesn’t really believe that.

 

Perhaps, this is the end;

 

And she will never see her Soldier ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading


End file.
